detach&dysfunction

So I walked around all day talking myself out of having this crush, these *feelings* (what a laden word that is), but thinking of him all day nonetheless. Yes, I told myself, I will use this weekend to detach and take my brain/heart/out of control emotions back. And thus regain control of my life. I can talk myself out of this if I try hard enough. I know I can, I've become quite good at it lately. Repeat as necessary: It's not going to go anywhere, him and me. When I have no contact with him, I can convince myself that the contact I have with him isn't that great, the clicking and connecting isn't THAT big of a deal. Or does it really exist? Really, it's nothing. And it's believable with him away. Of course, that didn't stop me from thinking of him all day. Nope. But I was believing everything I was working to get myself to believe. And then this in MAS:

"Cerebrate is better than great, she's on my mind today, oh yeah.... She makes me laugh and sigh and generally smile. What style! What a mind...

Haven too, I'm thinking also of you... Little man fast aproching momma in smahts..."

And I gasped so hard that Haven came to see what was wrong. And tears came to my eyes. And I told myself, see all that shit you are telling yourself and LOOK, you're wrong, he's thinking about you, LOOK. But this doesn't prove anything. Not a thing. Big woo if he's thinking of me and Haven too. What does it mean? Really, stripped of any inferences I want to attach to it? Not much. I just want it to mean something. Just like I always want it to BE something.

I still want Monday to come. Just so I can talk to him again. But that would be me assuming he's going to call right away.

Detach detach detach. I can do it. I can. I must.

After all, two out of three Magic 8-balls said I wasn't going to end up with him. Yoda said "Hard to see". And the Magic 8-ball is never wrong.

I got the living room almost put back together again. I feel pretty good about that. Next week is going to suck so hard. I am going to be frantic and harried and stressed and have little time for school, and this on the heels of fucking up this week. I flat-out didn't go today. Just didn't. Knew I wasn't prepared for my quizzes. How fucking bright is that?

But I got some stuff accomplished - AFS, house stuff - so it wasn't a total wash. I don't know what to do about the costume. Mom wanted to make it so I left it to her, and now it won't get done in time. I know I can't do all of that work by Tuesday. I'm angry about that, really upset. She made the big deal about making his costume this year and it's the same fucking thing, I'm having a nervous breakdown trying to get it all made at the last minute. I'm really mad. If she didn't want to do it, she shouldn't have said so.

I had white flour (pizza) and sugar (peanut butter cookie) yesterday, so I am the Rage Queen. Why do I do that?

Went to Kayla's band concert last night. I'm glad we went. It was nice to see them and Craig and Magen. I got the warmest, most bittersweet feeling watching the kids get ready to play, sitting there with my friends. I almost cried. Just began thinking about children, friends and family, band concerts in junior high gyms... this is what I want my life to be about. It's beautiful. It will hurt to leave them, so much so that I don't know if I can.

I have so much to do tomorrow, I don't know how I will ever get it all done. And I still haven't even looked at homework.

Big fucking sigh.