adoration

Familiarity really does breed contempt.

Or, at the very least, complacency and taking for granted the very things you should be most attentive to.

I miss him. All that strife and internal struggle that goes on when he is home - is it based on fear? Is it the best (and most chaotic and painful, let's not ignore the draw in that masochism) way to keep myself distanced, cold, separate and solitary?

I ache when he is away - I sleep more poorly when he is gone (and this time I can't blame it on the snoring). My body gets colder in the bed. I am more agitated and slightly manic. The urges to abuse my body with food are much, much larger.

I was driving to the VW dealership today, and I was overcome with deep, insistent, compelling love for him. I realized, again, how much I do love him and desire him and need him in my life. I drove, with tears streaking my cheeks, as I was suffused the power and magnitude, the magic and wonder of this man, this marriage, this love.

I am blessed. I really am the luckiest. Why is it so easy to forget?

Haven is the reason that I breathe, but Duncan, that sublimely gorgeous creature, he is my heart.