I hate myself productions

I'm just not a very good person. I mean, really. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of making excuses. I'm tired of struggling to find the small bits of good in me.

I don't do things that I say I will. Someone made me a mixed CD months ago and I have yet to send the clock I'd promised her. I told a number of people that I would copy zines for them, but I haven't. I initiated swaps months ago and have yet to follow through.
I don't respond to letters from pen pals. I don't respond to e-mail.
I disappear from volunteer gigs without a word - even if I really love them.
I'm dishonorable. I'm obscenely self-absorbed.

I'm mean. I'm selfish. I hold grudges. I withdraw. I'm nasty. I yell. I throw things. I break things. I swear and call names. I'm hostile. I'm angry all the time.
I just really don't like myself.

I don't mean to do any of these things. I intend to keep my word, to treat people well, to honor myself and others. But I'm learning that my intentions don't count for much when my behavior is so abhorrent.

Duncan has always excused these things. These things that he thinks stem from my personality disorder.

He's always compared my BPD to other illnesses. No, you're not a bad person, he says, you're a sick person. I wouldn't leave someone who had cancer or diabetes, he says, and this is no different. He compares my BPD to an old, persistent injury he has - I can't do certain things because of my injury; it affects my behavior. Your BPD is the same.

I used to think they stemmed from BPD, too. I used to think it was my BPD and not me, but it's not. I can't make excuses any more. I'm not going to deny that I am sick - because I am. But it doesn't excuse anything.
I can't make excuses any more. I can't blame me on my BPD or my abuse-filled childhood or decades of trauma or depression or self-loathing.

But where does one go from a revelation like that? Depression, borderline personality disorder, trauma, self-respect issues - all of these are things that can be treated, helped, worked on.

But this - I'm just not a good person. I'm just not. And I don't know what to do about that.